Life, Grief, and the Spaces in Between

“Soon…”

The Universe packed a punch that left me spinning, numb, and sinking into the honoring of everything I was feeling because there was nothing left to do. My granddaughter was due to be born “soon” and I was busy trying to get all my work done before then so I could keep my calendar open to help my daughter. I had plans to go to the State Fair with one of my best friends, who I hadn’t seen much all summer due to her family and travel schedule. We talked a lot, though, and shared pictures over text messages of what we were doing and always told each other how much we missed each other and how much we were looking forward to seeing each other “soon”. We were on the phone talking on Sunday about makeup and traveling and that she would help me take newborn photos of my granddaughter. Then right before I could ask her if she wanted to go to the State Fair with me, she asked me if I wanted to go to the State Fair so we planned to go Wednesday evening.

“Soon” was supposed to be at the State Fair but “Soon” didn’t come that way. “Soon” came in the form of a notice that my sweet friend was fighting for her life in ICU.

That was on a Tuesday.

Life…

Wednesday morning my daughter was induced and had her baby girl late Wednesday night. It literally was the best of times…and it was the worst of times. I was excited about my daughter and this new little life yet filled with grief surrounding the uncertainty of my dear friend in ICU. I was able to see my daughter and new granddaughter at the hospital the next day and that was a wonderful surprise. We had heard that they wouldn’t be able to allow visitors but when my husband and I arrived in the parking lot to tailgate and cook her a steak that I thought would be picked up by her boyfriend, he put a backpack on me and spun me around and told me to go into the hospital and up to the third floor to see my granddaughter. My head was once again literally spinning! I couldn’t get up to the room fast enough!

My tiny granddaughter was tiny and perfect and my daughter looked tired but happy as a new mommy. She held her and changed her diaper and I could see how happy she was and what a wonderful mom she was. I felt so proud of her and at the same time overwhelmed with how fast time had flown by because I remember being a new mom with her…how did she grow up so fast and how was she old enough to have her own baby? I really don’t think it’s settled into my head yet!

Throughout the month, my daughter has had Visiting Hours and I couldn’t wait until it was my turn! I got a spot with my mom and stepdad and she was still so tiny! My stepdad had her sleeping on his chest and she was just bunched into a sweet little ball of baby girl. We took turns holding her until it was feeding time then her new mommy took over. I stayed a little longer than my mom and held her while my daughter made something to eat (she didn’t want me to be in the kitchen with the dogs if they started barking) then we watched a little tv. Once she finished eating she was tired and since the baby was sleeping, it was a great time for her to take advantage of it and sleep, too.

Grief

My Visiting Hours with my sweet daughter and new baby came only hours after being with my friend as she passed away. The day before I was on my way to New Age People to do readings when I got a text asking if someone could go be with her as she wasn’t going to be here much longer. Much of her family is out of state so I called in to cancel work and drove straight to the hospital. Once I got there I literally ran from my car forgetting my face mask, grabbed one on the way in and later had to go back to get my laptop from my unlocked car.

My friend was alone and so I held her hands and told her I was there. Her eyes opened and she looked toward my voice and squeezed my hand; I knew that she knew I was there. A friend of hers from Wisconsin had arrived late the night before and had been with her throughout the night before and I’m so glad she wasn’t alone. Some of her family that is in town came in to see her but couldn’t stay long. Her friend and I stayed with her until he decided he needed to leave and left around midnight.

It was actually just the way I thought it would be, just me and her at the end. I took comfort in knowing that she knew I was there. Throughout the day I told her at least a thousand times that I was there, how much we all love her, how wonderful she is, that Bear (her little dog) was being taken care of, how she always was so kind and thoughtful and made everyone feel special, loved and seen, how much we would all miss her but that we would be ok because she showed us all how to be strong and enjoy life. I held her hands and thanked her for being my friend and that I was here, that I had her back, and that I loved her.

At 2:03 am Sunday morning I felt that she would soon be gone and suddenly felt her husband standing beside the bed (he passed away a year ago September). I cried as I held her hands and told her that he was here to get her and that it was ok….that we loved her and that we would be ok. She gracefully left her body at 2:06 am, knowing that she was loved on this side and the next. While the world will never be the same without her, we were all so blessed because our worlds would never have been the same without her. She was a true gift from heaven to us all and I for one have been blessed that she called me friend.

The spaces in between

While I waited for my granddaughter to be born and my friend to improve in the hospital, there was such a feeling of Time standing still because of being between spaces. There was a waiting space for birth and a waiting space for hope and healing. I wanted to be excited yet I was worried. I couldn’t grieve a loss because there was none yet but knew it was coming. All of the spaces…between life and death; between this world and the next; between feeling my daughter’s belly wiggle with the life inside and being able to hold her….all sacred spaces being held.

The past few days I’ve felt pretty numb but I’m slowly getting back to work while trying to be gentle on my Self. I took a few pictures of my new granddaughter and the moon, I watered my plants, I had some online readings and meetings and I look forward to seeing friends for coffee and trail riding again soon.

I’m not really sure how to wrap all of this up at this moment so I’m going to just leave it as an entry into the Goddess Diaries to let you in on a little bit of my world.

Thank you for being in this space with me