Going back, finding Home
Going Back, Finding Home
Life is funny sometimes. We can know something so deep inside our souls and yet struggle with the reality of the way it is and always want to go back. That would be me and my farm and family.
When you’re young you have all of these ideas about your life and what it’s going to look like when you’re “old”. You raise your family, enjoy your home and making it look like all your dreams, you watch the sunrise and sunset over this place you call home for portion of a lifetime….and then it all crumbles.
It’s no secret that I’ve been away from my family and farm for the past 5.5 years now (holy cannoli, how in the world is it that long already?!). I’ve had animals in my life since I was 5 years old and so not only was it tearing me apart that I left my home and husband but that I had this guilt of abandoning my animals. Every day I have this itch inside that goes off like an alarm clock to feed the animals, or check on their water, or to put their fly masks on and bring them in from the heat of the day….but I’m not there so I keep my Self busy where I am and work in my own little yard, flowerbeds, indoor garden of plants, and online work or photography projects.
Can you ever really “go back”?
Over the past few years, I’ve struggled when I go to the farm because while it feels like Home, there’s a strange detachment and after a little while I feel like I need to leave and don’t belong there. My desire to be with my horses or go see my daughter overrides the struggle but so often I leave with tears of sadness that I have to leave and frustration because I don’t know how or if ever that feeling will ever go away.
Anyway, life isn’t terrible; it’s just different and a daily adjustment and mental workout to settle into it.
Recently, my husband-ex-husband started working an afternoon/evening hours job and so I’ve been able to help out and be at the farm Monday - Friday to take care of the horses and dogs, and to have some extra time with my daughter over dinner and hanging out. I’ve really really loved that! It’s strange being in my home again, cooking in the kitchen and watching tv with my daughter but at the same time it feels so wonderfully familiar and sort of like the way you never forget how to ride a bike. Five nights a week I’m sorting through my feelings of what’s real, what’s possible, what should I be feeling or expecting and I haven’t come up with any definitive answers just yet but I also think that’s part of the journey.
I don’t think you can ever really go back to the way things used to be. There’s always something new that you bring along to the experience or place, but when you find yourself in a familiar situation or place you can build on the way that makes you feel. Do you want to run, stay, be strong, fall apart? Let that situation or place support you in that journey….this is what I do with my farm. I sink deeply into that familiar feeling of being in the barn, watching the sunset with my horses, the sound of the sheep and the birds and the wind blow through my hair and I feel connected and grounded in a way that only this place makes me feel grounded. I’ve found that I can tap into that same type of feeling when I’m out riding my bike in the country or under the big blue sky somewhere but THIS place, this little farm in the middle of Indiana, does a little something Extra and I can feel the sweetness of that difference and soak it in.
The Osirian Mysteries connection
During this time of Mercury Retrograde a lot of feelings may come up from the past (as you can see in my own story…what’s yours?) and the entire universe above is supporting you through deeper levels of healing. It may not be fun but it’s a necessary discomfort to bring you back to your strength. In the stories of Isis and Osiris, Osiris is completely torn apart and Isis searches for all of his 14 pieces and puts him back together again. This story speaks to our ability to “come back” to our Self and to “pull our Self together”….find all of those missing pieces that make you feel whole again and breathe life into them in some way. I like the way that she couldn’t find his phallus….that part of him that is life force and life-giving; Isis has to create a new one for him from scratch!
This life-giving, life force of you….you’re going to have to dig deep and create some of it your Self. I think of this often when I’m on my farm….it’s not going to be like it was before but it can still make me feel alive.
I also created a little video about this if you’d like to watch :)
Are you up for a challenge?
A popular Thing out there is to do these little “challenges” and so Osiris is inviting you into a bit of a challenge as we go through this cycle of Mercury Retrograde. What is it that makes you feel whole and more like your Self than anything else? Over the next 14 days, pick one thing and focus on digging deep and creating it your Self. Then feel all the feels in the process and process them.
I hope you’ve enjoyed a little peek into my life and ways in which you can tie some of your own experiences into the Egyptian Mysteries to better understand them and move through them with the loving support of the neteru. I’d love to hear how you’re going to accept the challenge with Osiris in the comments!
A new way to learn and grow….and special gift in February!
Besides reading my blog and watching my videos, there’s a new way for you to learn and grow and deepen your spiritual practice each week with the neteru and even ancient texts of Egypt. Be a patron of the TGI Egyptian Mystery School … there are 3 affordable tiers to choose from! The magic of Egypt is there waiting for you…come check it out!
Plus, if you become a patron of any tier in February, you’ll receive a special gift to add to your meditation or yoga or background playlist …
The Love Story, the story of Nuit and Geb using the numerology of their names played on my harp. Click the button below to get weekly inspiration and connect with the neteru in practical and magical ways!