I did everything right. All year. I wore a mask, hardly ventured out into public places, rarely ate at a restaurant, and had nearly zero photography shoots. I did, however, do some second-shooting at weddings to make money for things like, you know, rent and groceries.

The last wedding of the year got me and I was sick a mere 4 days later in bed with Covid. I was now a part of the statistics that would be tomorrow's history. And this thing was no joke. Although I didn't have to go to the hospital, it was still a very difficult and even scary experience.

The Wedding

The wedding season was a little different this year and many of the weddings were much smaller and in smaller venues. Some weddings were completely re-planned because of Covid restrictions and put together again in a short amount of time because venues weren’t available or guest lists had to be whittled down. Face masks became a part of the details photos where usually it’s the rings, the veil, and something meaningful from grandma. My glasses fogged up constantly and I tried shooting without them and adjusting my camera’s diopter (an option to adjust the camera’s viewfinder to your eyesight).

This last wedding was very small with fewer than 50 people attending. I did my usual job of photographing the details and the groom/groomsman and used my long lens mostly so I didn’t have to be too close to anyone. I wore my mask and only had it off to eat, and even then the lead photographer and I were in a different room and stayed at least 6 feet apart. We didn’t hug goodbye.

Four days later it came on fast. I felt fine that morning, went to my dentist appointment where my temperature was taken and fine, then had a rare lunch out with a girlfriend. That evening, I got a headache that became quite severe and by the time I woke up the next day, I was weak all over, my back was killing me, my head was killing me, and I had a low grade fever. My body did this weird thing every so often where I had to tense up everything…like when you stretch really big and become stiff like a board. It was compulsory and my insides felt weird. I was short of breath but it wasn’t hard to breathe. I took my temperature a lot and it varied from 99.7 to 96.8.

The next day I drove myself to get a Covid test, which was something I did about 5 days after almost every wedding to be sure I wasn’t asymptomatic and spreading anything. Then I went home and crawled back into bed to wait for the results. My mind went back and forth….maybe it wasn’t Covid because there were still other flu’s going around. What if it was? What about the dentist and my girlfriend? Did I infect them? Why did my temperature check out ok just that morning if I had Covid? I decided that I would wait for the results to call the lead photographer or my friend because I only could tell them I was sick.

The results

My results came 2 days later and I had tested positive. My heart sank. I called my girlfriend and apologized in advance if she ended up sick, too. I called the lead photographer and asked how he was feeling. He asked me the same question because he got sick the same night I did and was also waiting for his results. We talked about how we wore our masks the entire time, how the guests at this wedding wore their masks the whole time (much more than some of the other weddings earlier in the year), how we didn’t even hug goodbye and still we got it! It was frustrating to say the least.

I laid in my bed for an entire week, unable to do much of anything other than try to stay hydrated, heat soup in the microwave, and go to the bathroom. I decided I didn’t need to worry about trying to take a shower, the thought of it was exhausting enough; and when I did, it WAS exhausting and I crawled back into bed. I felt very alone and scared and stayed in touch with my lungs and my body. My husband-ex-husband brought groceries over so I had food and orange juice. Eventually, it didn’t really matter what I was eating or drinking because it didn’t taste like anything. When I drank my oj it tasted like water and when I realized this, I grabbed my bottle of frankincense and couldn’t smell anything at all! I was watching tv and they were having tea. I thought it might be nice to have some hot tea but then it would be like drinking hot water and that wasn’t appealing at all!

While I laid in bed I knew I wasn’t dead because I just laid there and watched the light change the room throughout the day. I wanted to document this historic statistical experience in some artistic way so I set my camera on the bed and sat on the floor in the light that I was loving and took a few snaps. It took all of 10 minutes and I stopped after about 6 frames. That was all the energy I had and crawled back into bed.

The dream

When I got my results back that I tested positive I was texting with a friend who was kind and calming and reminded me that “even in disease there is a message.” I held onto those words as I laid there, often actually unable to sleep. I felt like the message may not be immediate but that it may come later but I had a dream in which I was talking to someone and I heard my voice ringing in my ears. It woke me up and I wanted to write it down but I fell asleep again too quickly. It was something to the effect that I would choose how long to be here/how long to stay in this lesson and fight it. It was as if I knew the outcome of things happening in my life but that I was choosing to ignore my Higher Self’s wisdom and struggle in the Muggle, so to speak.

The Lesson

As I lay there contemplating this statement I thought about the Egyptian goddess Isis and the story of how her brother Set captured her and kept her in a cave to weave for him. Isis was a powerful goddess and here she was kidnapped and locked away….how could this happen? In Normandi Ellis’ book, Feasts of Light, she describes it like this: “As Osiris was trapped in the underworld, so Isis became ensnared in her own prison. She forgot for a moment that she was a goddess and the embodiment of the creative matrix.” She describes Isis weaving for Set, teaching other women to weave and instructing them to “pray as you weave” and to “weave what you envision”. Eventually, Thoth sent the 7 scorpions to rescue her. Selket, the great scorpion goddess, crawled under the door to remind Isis of her power and Isis broke free of her prison and was escorted to freedom by Selket and the other scorpions, who stung anyone who tried to stop them.

This is what I dreamed….that I knew I was inside my own prison (not necessarily Covid but my life/struggles in general) and that I would let my Self out when I was able to weave together the story and breathe my prayers into what I envisioned!

When I do readings, many times people come to me asking a question that they know the answer to but they’re struggling to accept. They want reassurance from the Universe that they’re making the right decision and that what they’re thinking is what they need to be doing….because they really don’t want to go through the pain that gets them to the other side. They’ve forgotten for a moment that they have control and power over their life and their happiness. They need time to process their decision and to weave what they envision into their life.

When you feel stuck, be gentle on your Self. Take time to process your thoughts, your feelings, your inner knowing. Pray into your weaving and envision your future. When the time is right, you’ll feel it as if in a dream of walking into your own knowing. You’ll understand that the lesson has been learned and that you’re ready to let it go and break free.

And, just like Isis in the cave and Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, you’ve had the power to break free with you all along.